作者微弋与自己的内心对话,八年来努力成就梦想是为了什么?找到答案前,我们要相信再渺小的自己,都有能力在这世界促成一些改变。


此照片为今年六月至上纽约州参与戏剧节时前往的酒庄一隅。当时春来乍到,艳阳高照,微醺之后,我感觉自己的人生开始明亮。图|作者提供

关于自我探寻。

沈寂多时。年月来历经许多大起大落、浮沈往事,心境大幅变动,常感人事全非。

这段时日我不停自问:究竟,表演为何?

年少轻狂时,表演为功成名就的垫脚石。斯以为将表演做到好,便能成名,便能被看见,便能被肯定。当时想站在舞台上的初衷,只为了证明自己能被喜欢,具有天赋。享受掌声,镁光灯,以及华丽美好的虚名。(推荐阅读:一个演员在纽约的真实告白:“下定决心做异类,我觉得自己自由了”

在浮载年岁之后,表演逐渐步入一种自我探索,一个完美的藉口以自我表现,自我体验,甚或自我沈溺。二十岁后期的我,以表演之名,行心理治疗之实;大剌剌的向内挖掘、倔强的撕开心理疮疤,期望以短短数年所经历的苦痛积累演员能量,快速扩充生命经验成为复杂具有层次的高深演员。回看,不免莞尔一笑。生命经验无需强求,在求生存过活的每时每刻,我们自然刻画着不重复的生命体验,吸收岁月为自己带来的生命能量。求不来,也抹不去。

现在面对表演,好似面对人生

看着表演中的自己,有时强求,有时毫无标的。有时自然的大量释放能量,有时深刻感受到自我放弃。即便意志不停的鞭策自己不能怠惰,要奋力完成;我却常看着自己懒洋洋地把表演工作完成,不带有丝毫热情。

WHY? 我自问。纽约打拼八年多的目标不就是能待在热爱的工作岗位上自我实现?为什么奋力求得的机会在手,我还能随意草率了事?边敷衍完成的我边自责质问。

所以为什么,到底为什么,我要当演员?


图片|来源

在自我碰撞的过程中总会回首

拿起从前的照片,日记,亲笔写下的青春字迹,或是有些傻气的情绪字眼,而不经意翻见去年在前往佛州坦帕(Tampa)工作时写的一段英文抒发。当时坐在飞机上的沈默激动,居然能为现在的自己带来激励的力量:

莫忘初衷:再度,感受到表演于我之重要。我用我积存的生命经验,复杂情绪,去活,去呼吸,去沟通,提供观众某种曾经经历过的私密,某种悸动。情绪正负面,答案对错黑白等行为事件,皆因身而为人为了生存下去而必须做的选择。而实际操作这些选择时产生的情绪以及影响,是活着的表现。

我提醒了自己,身为演员,是深刻爱人行为的最高体现。

能够有机会重现,制造,创造人活着的时刻,是我表现爱的方式,是最能与世界沟通的幸福。

想着表演,自然而然地带领我想着人生。今天曼哈顿发生恐怖攻击,一辆卡车在万圣节人潮汹涌的街上冲到人行道上撞死八人撞伤十一人。我在前往机场的路上与计程车司机有一番深入的对谈,因为美国境内人民当时(应该说直到现在仍是)对于自己处于怎样的时代感到迷惘惶恐:某不知廉耻的总统上任后,社会道德规范以及价值已崩坏。礼义廉耻原则等基本道义伦理似乎都能根据私人的行为需求跟利益被牺牲忽略。说谎、陷他人于危险之中、人权侵犯、跟生存权的剥夺都能被接受掩盖。曾经被美国人视为骄傲的美国价值已消弭。堂堂国家领袖居然鼓励仇恨、谎言、以及不平不公。居然提倡特权?

我们似乎忘记自己的渺小。我们忘记人类存在之于宇宙根本微乎其微。其实我们连星尘都称不上!如果把宇宙历史缩小成一天,人类的存在连一秒都不到:我们只是宇宙一眨眼的瞬间。对地球来说,我们不过是地球长成的一个嗝,打完了,就过了。

如果我们能够真正理解这样的事实,再回看所有地球上人类的片刻:暴力、冲突、微不足道的权力游戏、输赢⋯⋯均会于相较之下显得可悲可笑,毫不相关。个人的自大或自尊放大根本不具意义。世界的浩大已经巨大到超越我们人类所能理解的极限,那我们到底在瞎忙什么呢?那些为了私利而玩的游戏,为了证明自己的重要性而去玩弄社会或系统,跟整个宇宙、自然不停运作而维持整体平衡所需的力量以及力气相比之下简直愚蠢至极,无聊透顶。

我们,人,只不过是一个轻轻的气息,微弱到无法计量的轻薄。

这样对于自己渺小度的认知与看清却带来极大的释放感。对我来说,这是一个宇宙给我‘好好让每一分秒活到最满’的最大提示。名声,权力,财富,或是肤浅的外表美丽只是不具任何真正价值的虚无概念。(推荐阅读:马修·麦康纳的毕业演说:想要成功,不必选择会牺牲你灵魂的办法

我可以真正享受全然的自由,因为根本没有人真的把我当一回事。我,其实没有我想像的那么重要。

光明之前必有黑暗。在深不见底的深黑中,我们总能期望光明的到来。当以为人性希望渺茫之际,却能从最不熟识的陌生人身上或伴侣亲友中感受到深切的爱。一直地,我们不断地被提醒:是的,我相信,人生来是受苦受难的。但至少我们能够,陪伴彼此孤独地承受苦痛。

爱的能力是能在目睹他人承遭苦难之时适时地安抚慰藉,给予陪伴。反之亦然。没有任何比爱人的能力更重要。这也是为什么我们具有同情,同理,关爱的能力;把这些能力抽离则与其他动物无异。那为什么这个世界需要人类呢?我们从来没有存在的必要性,我们只不过是一个地球创物时发生的美好意外。

能够成为这样美丽的错误,我们更应该由衷感恩。

几百年后,我们或许不再存在。我感觉根据现在人类对待地球的态度跟行为;几千百个十年之后,我们会自然地被淘汰,永远消失。人类似乎是地球一个发了很久的高烧,高烧必须退去,地球才能再度正常运作。那我们别再恨,别再烦,别再恼;只需好好活着,好好爱着,好好精彩着。我们的目标就是愿意用开敞的心,勇敢的智以及自由的情去接受宇宙想传达给我们的任何讯息,真正活着。

我,会爱,会认真的活。我会永愿忠于自己以及他人。我绝不伤害他人,我会尽力传播这份爱,我会舍弃傻傻的自大自尊,接受浩瀚美好。我是如此渺小,但我知道我能够去激发,激励,或是替某个极度暗黑的夜里,撒下一些光芒。这是我的责任,是我生存的意义。没有这样的目的,我便没有存在这个世界的意义。

谢谢你,美好的世界。透过某种冥冥的力量传递如此强大的讯息给我。当飞机起飞的那刻,我感受到自我验证的正面力量,以及内心深处那股巨大无比的爱。


今年初在台湾海滨拍完景收工时照了一张照片。当天工作的状况很好,尽管一头乱发,我还是不由自主地散发着快乐。图|作者提供

*注:原文如下

It’s funny to think about this right now on a plane to Tampa. Thinking about acting, linked me to thinking about life. Today Manhattan had a terrorist attack, I had profound conversation with lift driver because we don't know what kind of times we are living in, The morality of the society is shattered after a disgraceful president is elected in USA. There’s no virtue, no ethics, no principles and no limits in terms of what a person can do to benefit his or her own agenda. It’s okay to lie, to danger others, to abuse human rights, to ignore basic needs. The American value the Americans once was proud of has gone. There’s a leader who encourages hatred, lies, and inequality. There’s a leader believes in privileges. We don't even remember how small we are, how insignificant human beings are to the universe. We can’t even count as stardust.  We are less than a second in the Universe history, we as humans as merely a blink of the Universe’s eye. We would disappear before evolution, we are just one tiny hiccup of the Earth’s growing process. And by knowing that, all the violence, conflicts, trivia power games…. became laughably irrelevant. There’s no point of expanding the tiny ego of oneself. The scale of the vast universe is too enormous for us to comprehend, why do we even bother? The games we play to gain selfish benefits, the manipulation we try on the system in order to prove our importance is wildly idiotic compared to what the universe is now currently executing in order to balance the world…. we humans are merely a light breath that can’t even be quantified.

It’s a huge sense of relief though. This understanding of self-insignificance.  For me, it’s just a signal from the universe to allow myself to live the fullest in every moment. Fame, power, wealth, or skin-deep vanity is one concept that holds no real value. I can be free, since no one is really taking you seriously.

There’s always darkness before light. There’s always light we can hope for while in deep darkness. When we think there’s no hope in humanity, we feel the deep love from mere strangers or our beloved ones, to remind us that although we are born to suffer, we don't suffer alone.

The ability to love is to ease others’ pain while witnessing their sufferings. And vice versa. There’s no other ability more important than loving others. That’s why as humans we are capable of sympathy, empathy, loving, and caring. Without it, we are no different than any other animals. Then why does the world need human beings? We are never needed, we are just one random beautiful accident the earth had created along the way. We should be grateful, since we are a happy accident.

In 100 years, we will all be gone, I feel. In some decades, we will be eliminated by Nature, since we are quite a trouble to the nowadays world. This fever has to stop, for the Earth to be fully functional again.

So let us not hate, not fret, not go under; just live, just love, and just be wonder. It is our job to experience with our hearts open, our minds brave, our senses free to receive all the messages the Universe trying to deliver.

I will love, I will live, and I will always be true to self, and to others. I will do no harm, I will spread my love, I will discard my silly ego and embrace the greater good. I am so small, but I know I can make a big impact to inspire, or to shed a light to a dark dark night. It’s my calling, and it’s my duty. Without it, I mean nothing to this world.

Thank you, Universe. For constantly sending me messages thru invisible force. While flying up in the air, I feel so validated by my own thoughts, and the tremendous amount of love I feel within me.