太过尖锐的话语来自太脆弱的心,太过坚强的自由来自太渴望依靠的感情。亲爱的,爱是理解那些情绪背后没说出口的呜鸣。

很多的拒人于千里之外和尖声斥喝,都源自于我们的害怕。当我们开始畏惧“和人变得亲密”这件事,可能会有下面这些反应:

首先我们会变得疏离,或是用心灵谘商师的术语,“回避”,因为虽然想和伴侣变得亲密,却同时很害怕我们会被抛弃。我们把他们冰封在外,会说着“我在忙”、假装总在想别的事,暗示“确定亲近感的必要性”绝不是我们的首要之务。

我们甚至可能会出轨,这是最终极的、不会让人拉不下脸的尝试,能让我们得以安全地与人产生距离,也倔强地去强调我们不需要伴侣的爱,那份我们太过保留、而不敢要求的爱。(推荐阅读:一辈子都亲密不了的恋人关系

Firstly, we can get distant or what psychotherapist call avoidant we want to get close to our partners but feel so anxious that we may be unwanted. We freeze them out a bit instead we say we're busy; we pretend our thoughts are elsewhere; we imply that a need for reassurance would be the last thing on our minds.

We might even have an affair the ultimate face-saving attempt to be safely distant and often a perverse quest to assert that we don't require the partner's love , a love that we've been too reserved to ask for.

或者我们可能就会变得非常有控制欲,也就是治疗师所称的“焦虑”。当发现伴侣在情绪上回避我们时,我们会官腔地以咄咄逼人的方式回应他们我们会因他们有点晚归而过度发怒,重重斥责,我们总是要求他们持续完成某些他们答应会做的事情,我们发狂般地重复以上种种,却不愿承认自己其实是“我是担心你不在乎我了”。(推荐阅读:【为你点歌】在创伤的爱里复原:说不在乎的,往往最在乎

Or else we can get controlling what therapist called "anxious". We feel our partners are escaping us emotionally and we respond by trying to pin them down administratively. We get unduly cross that they're a bit late will chastise them heavily for not having done certain chores. We asked them constantly they've completed a task they'd agreed to undertake. All this rather than admit I'm worried I don't matter to you.

为什么我们会变成这么尖锐、自己都不喜欢的样子呢?可以看看 The School of Life 的影片怎么说: